Four Communication Mistakes & How to Fix Them: Therapy in Edmonton
Hi, I’m Dr. Kelly Clark. Today, I wanted to talk about communication.
Communication Mathematics
I often spend quite a bit of time in coffee shops. I do quite a bit of work doing reports, and I enjoy the hustle and bustle of these coffee shops, hearing people talk—just not, of course, to their conversations. But I enjoy being around that kind of energy and ambiance. And you know, it’s interesting. I will notice sometimes, because people will speak loudly, I’ll notice some of the content of people’s conversations and even kind of the goals of their conversation. I’ve just observed several trends of communication and wanted to reflect on that during this time.
So I’ve noticed that in the coffee shops, and I’ve noticed as well in everyday life and with people that I’ve talked to, that some people really struggle with conversation. They really struggle with communication. I’ve had people come to my office who actually were paralyzed by social communication. They don’t know what to say. They feel pressured. They think that what they’re going to say is silly or that people are judging them negatively. Of course, they’re not actually saying that, but they fill in the gaps: this person’s probably thinking that I sound silly or dumb. And so, a lot of people struggle with actually communicating and having that volley back and forth in communication.
The first thing I wanted to talk about is that it’s just kind of basic communication mathematics. If there’s two of us, and sometimes that helps to alleviate the pressure of people feeling pressure while they’re communicating, is that if there’s two of us, I’m only responsible for 50% of the conversation. So sometimes that helps people to think, okay, I don’t have to carry the whole conversation, just 50%. And that goes for, you know, if there’s three people, then it’ll be 33%, and if there’s four, then it’ll be 25%. So that also, I think, is an important kind of rubric to think about. If you’re part of a conversation and there are four of you, say, for example, you should be talking about 25% of the time. If you’re not, that you’re maybe speaking 1% of the time, are the people you’re speaking with people that are actually listening, hearing, or wanting to connect with you? Or are you a person that’s maybe lacking in initiating or having the conversation go as well?
So I think those, you know, not that it’s strict, that we want to stick with those kinds of communication mathematics, but it is a bit of a sense of, when I’m communicating, am I participating? Is the person dominating? Am I participating enough that there’s a connection, or how am I actually communicating? These are some of the things that I wanted you to think about as we’re talking about, because I’ve observed at least four different ways when people are communicating to myself and that I’ve even heard in coffee shops.
Communication to Be Heard
The first one that I want to talk about is communication to be heard. So, some people just like talking. You know that person that talks your ear off and that you’re kind of looking at your watch, going, “I can’t wait to get out of here.” And you’ve said several times, “Well, I should get going.” You’re looking at the door. You’re giving all these visual cues, and that person keeps talking. Or that person that happens often at family activities or outings or Christmas holidays, where you’re about to leave and the person keeps engaging you while you’re standing in the door.
Every one of us has had that time that somebody is talking a lot and dominating the conversation. I’m going to call those people people that like to be heard. And so there’s not that kind of volleying back and forth. It’s more they’re volleying, they’re volleying, and they’re talking to you. And really, that communication is they’re talking to be heard. They’re talking at you rather than with you. All of us have felt that, and it actually starts to feel a little uncomfortable after a while. Probably a lot of us feel like the person’s not interested in us. Am I meaningful? Is this important?
So I’ve noticed that some people really just like to be heard. And in that communication, I don’t think that’s a healthy interaction because you’re not being heard.
Communicating to Hear and to Gather Information
Then alternatively, there’s the opposite direction: communicating to hear or to listen. Some of us are fantastic at listening to people. In fact, the people that really like to talk probably like hanging around with those of us that like to listen, because we do listen so well. Carl Rogers, a psychologist early on in the 19th century, mid-century, was somebody who was profoundly known for positive regard for people, unconditional positive regard. He’s a very strong humanitarian, but he talked about active listening. So these are people that are very good at listening, but not only that—not just listening and sitting there—but they will paraphrase back. So, “I hear you saying that you are really struggling with work right now. It sounds like it’s very difficult.” So not only are they hearing content, but they’re also noticing the emotions. “That must be really tough.” So there’s this validation. They’re actively listening, picking up, summarizing content, and then maybe reflecting on what that’s like for the person.
Who doesn’t love listening or talking to people like this? Because they’re great at listening. So those of us that are very good at listening, learning communication, often have people wanting to speak to us. So that’s a great skill.
Another communication that I’ve observed is those that are just gathering information. In fact, they’re probably the people that are a little bit uncomfortable with that volley back and forth. And so they’re very almost interview-like. So it’s almost like an interrogation, you know: “Okay, so where’d you go to school? Uh-huh. How did you do in school? Was school fun for you?” So it’s all these kind of questions, and so it will often feel a little bit one-sided, a little bit interviewee, almost interrogation-like. And when we do that with our teenagers, if you have kids, they will not like that conversation. They will not feel comfortable with it. And a lot of people don’t. So be aware if your conversation is mostly just questioning because the purpose of it is very task-oriented, to get information.
Communication for Connection
So what is kind of the more healthy communication we want? I’ve kind of gone through several of them. I think that a communication that we all want to get to that’s probably more rewarding, more emotionally satisfying, is communication for connection. And we have all felt that. You know, sometimes I’ll meet somebody where you’ll walk away—I’ll walk away from that and go, “Man, that was just great. That was a really good conversation. I felt listened to. I felt valued. I felt heard.” But I didn’t just sit there and take all of that; I also passed on information, or I also received from them. I learned something from them.
I think an important question in communication for connection is, was it necessary for me to be there? You know those communications where the person’s just talking at you, and it almost feels overwhelming, and I actually start feeling fatigued when people are just talking at me rather than with me. But I’ll ask the question: was it necessary for me to be there? Sometimes, you get into a conversation where the person just throws stuff at you. They want to talk about their day. They want to talk about how bad things are. And you could have probably just put up a physical representation, like a doll of yourself, and that was good enough because they just wanted to throw at you.
Whereas communication for connection, there’s a back and fro. I like to consider it kind of like tennis, you know, where you lob the ball one way and then it’s lobbed back. You lob the ball back, and they send it back to you. So a healthier communication for connection is when both people are contributing, both people are being heard, and even more importantly, both people are being understood. So we’re using that active listening, and after you leave that, we often feel connected.
What’s interesting, I do a lot of assessments for autistic people, and this is one of the areas, one of the definitions or criteria for autism, is they really struggle with that social communication. They struggle with the back and forth. So often when I’m doing some of the assessments, I’ll say some story like, you know, I would give the example that my wife and I went to a holiday vacation. We were up on a pirate ship one time—true story—and it’s probably two stories higher, so quite high. I jumped off, and she was very scared, paralyzed. And the whole boat was chanting for my wife to jump. And so I’ll say, “So she stood there super paralyzed. Everybody was chanting,” and then I’ll drop the mic, kind of thing.
Autistic people on the spectrum often have difficulties with that to and fro. So you would say something like that, and there’s no communication. So again, the person that is quite good with communication will hear that kind of stop, and they’ll go, “Oh, well, did she jump? How was she? Was she scared? What was it like? How was the rest of your vacation? Was she mad at you for taking her up there?” So people who are very good with communication will not only take those hints and those kind of verbal opportunities, but they’ll volley them back. They’ll ask questions, and then the person—in this case, me—would feel like this person’s engaged, and I’ll start to feel connected to them because they’re actually concerned about some of the details about my life.
In addition, communication for connection looks for emotion. So we can go back to the interview, the interrogation—we’re getting a lot of facts, but that doesn’t quite feel satisfying. When we communicate with emotion—”How was that for you?”—or we validate, “Boy, that must have been really scary for your wife.” And it was. She still did it, by the way. But those kind of things help us feel connected, feel cared for, feel listened to. And the privilege as well is that the other person gets to know us. So if we’re just sitting there not returning the volley, the other person doesn’t have the privilege of getting to know us as well.
And so communication for connection incorporates all of those things. And there is that feeling of to and fro. There’s that feeling of being valued, listened to, validated, and understood. So those are some of the things that I wanted to talk about about communication.
See if you notice those in your conversations this week. See if you notice if somebody will drop something, go like, “Yeah, I had a tough day.” Do you just sit there? Do you respond? Do you try to connect and understand the feelings? In fact, John Goodman, who is a family therapist, he’s somebody who’s done research with couples for over 30 years, he and his researchers noticed that what you call master couples—couples that are very good with connecting and with closeness and affection and communication—do something called bids and turns. So a bid is something like, “Hey honey, how are you doing today?” A turn is, “Oh, I’m doing good.” So it’s both throwing out kind of like that volleying forward and then lobbing back. So this to and fro—can you imagine? “Hey, how are you doing this morning? Did you have a good sleep?” No answer.
So they found that master couples do these bids and turns up to 200 times a day. “Hey, what are you reading in the newspaper?” Could you imagine if there was no response? So they take interest, they listen, they pay attention, and they volley back. So, just a little thing to think about with communication. Hope you enjoyed that conversation, and I’m Dr. Kelly Clark.